This Is Not a Resolution

Just a word and a mantra...

Twenty twenty-five. Here we are, apparently. 2024 ended in the usual blur of holiday craziness compounded by my determination to achieve my goal of submitting my fully drafted manuscript to my editor by December 29. I made it, which felt amazing and surreal. And I really tried to savor my accomplishment instead of moving right onto the next thing. “I did it,” I would say to myself. On repeat. I sat with these words. Walked with them. Put away Christmas decorations and folded laundry with them.

The savoring felt good. But it also felt … hard. I achieved a big goal. Then I basked in the afterglow of a really positive initial email from my editor. And after the afterglow came the aftermath. As the new year approached, even as I threw myself into parenting and home life, I felt a bit untethered. It’s a feeling akin to finishing a marathon. First, there’s the pure ecstasy of crossing the finish line (or, in my case, hitting “Send”) and its subsequent endorphinfest. Then, the soreness kicks in (in my case, it was fatigue from all those early-ass writing mornings), which still feels pretty good because you know you are sore (tired) for the best possible reason. But then … you recover. Life keeps life-ing. And you realize that you don’t have this giant goal towards which to work. Instead, you have all the things you’ve been ignoring or putting aside in order to achieve your goal. Pursuing the goal was a lot more fun and fulfilling than that boring adult stuff that remains in its wake.

Womp womp.

Suddenly it was New Year’s Eve. And while I’m still in the stage of parenting where I have to entertain my kids for a lot of the day, I did have some time to ponder this clean slate that is 2025. I have given up on resolutions, but as I wrote in my journal I realized that I have a word and a mantra for the year ahead.

My word for 2025 is failure.

My fear of failure has kept me from too much in my life, including pursuing my dream of becoming a published author. Until now. I’m tired of being afraid to fail. I’m tired of abiding by others’ definitions of failure. So, this year, I want to work to reclaim failure as the moment where the most meaningful growth happens.

I teach strength training fitness classes (best side hustle ever). And I encourage the women in my classes to increase the weight of the dumbbells they use in order to work their muscles to failure. It is so liberating to work towards failure as the goal, and to know that if you cannot possibly do another rep, you, in that very moment, are creating growth and change in your muscles. You are making yourself stronger because you failed.

I love this idea and I’m excited to see where else in life I can apply it this year.

As I wrote more in my journal, I realized that the other thing that is really important to me right now, that I want to carry with me into this new year, is staying with myself. The process of writing my memoir (and working with my new therapist, which I highly recommend for anyone writing a memoir because HOLY TRAUMA) has cracked me open in the most life-affirming way. I feel like I am in the process of uncovering my most authentic self, and coming into alignment with her as a 44-year-old mom. The words that came to me as I journaled were:

Stay with her.

Who is her? She is me at my most authentic, my most untamed. My realest, truest self. She is a 19-year-old spending the summer on an archaeological excavation in Pompeii, living on her own for the first time, fulfilling her dream, experiencing love, learning to trust herself.

She is also my inner child. My youngest, most vulnerable self. The little girl who went through a lot. As I write my way through my life, I feel increasingly connected to and protective of her. I want her to know she is safe and loved. So I want to stay with her, too.

I have these photos on my desk now. And they will stay there throughout this year, and probably for a long time to come.

And yes, my childhood sweater vest game was ON.

I will still have a ton of work to do when I get my manuscript back from my editor (if her red lines from the earlier draft are any indication). I’m excited for that. In the meantime, I now have other work to do. I need to fail. And I need to stay with her.

Do you have a word or mantra for 2025? I’d love to hear it!